The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time
by animedeprived
Summary: Ocarina of Time from Link's point of view. Basically, he's pretty grumpy because he'd rather be eating cookies. It's funny, though. I swear. Now complete. It makes me sad.
1. Kokiri's Emerald

animedeprived: Hey, everybody! Today, I'm breaking out of the mold and bringing you a type of fanfic I've never done before! It's a parody of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I honor it because it was the first video game I ever played all the way through, and of course because adult Link is WICKED HOT! Also, here to do the disclaimer through however-many-chapters-there-are...LINK!

Link: Greeting and salutations to you all. I am Link. As I am Link, I am writing this disclaimer, since, as you all know, I do not talk. Why is that? I WANT A VOICE, DANG IT!

cough Anyway, animedeprived does not own me, the Legend of Zelda games, or France, though she loves Green Day (whom she also does not own).

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter One

**Kokiri's Emerald**

Day 1 - Kokiri's Forest  
Buzzing in treehouse woke me up. Stupid Kokiri traditions say no doors on building, so bugs get in all the time. Swatted it and fell asleep. Buzzing started again. Sat up to swat again, but instead of mosquito discovered irate and slightly squashed Fairy. Whoops.  
Fairy says to see Great Deku Tree. Wonder why. Hope it involves candy.

Day 1  
Meanie Mido says I need shield and sword to see GDT. Who died and made him King of France? Should have been ceremony, or at least memo. General public needs to know about these things.  
Note to self: Find out where France is.

Day 1  
Bought shield and found sword. Tried to peel off alunmimum...allnum...ali...monkey...foil to eat chocolate, but Fairy slapped me and said there is none. Also tried to eat Rupee-things that look like candy. Have glass in teeth. V. Painful. Fairy laughed. Hate Fairy.

Day 1  
Mido forced to grant me entrance. Ha! I win!

Day 1 - Inside GDT  
Thought GDT would never shut up. Had to climb in his mouth. Eeewwwww.

Day 1  
Fairy never shuts up. Keeps trying to tell me how to open doors and climb walls. Thanks, Mom, I didn't know how to walk. On plus side, found chocolate-filled Gold Skulltula, though can't figure out how it moved before I killed it. On minus side, found chocolate covered Deku Nuts and Seeds. HATE NUTS AND SEEDS! Ate chocolate. Will throw nuts at enemies, fling seeds with slingshot. Ha ha! Eat my spit, Arach-nerds!

Day 1  
Beat up nasty Spider-thing. Fairy told me its name, but can't remember, as have decided to ignore her and her high-pitched gibbering. Stabbed Spider in eye. Oddly satisfying. Was shocked when Spider left behind large heart-shaped dark chocolate. Nearly wet myself with glee. LOVE DARK CHOCOLATE!

Day 2 - Kokiri's Forest  
Pretty blue light put me in front of GDT. Relieved, as was not looking forward to walking back through musty tree guts. He gave me pretty green stone. Also said I'm Hylian, not Kokiri. Like I know what Hylian is. GDT said I can leave forest now. Then he stopped talking. Left to find candy.

Day 5  
Fairy keeps nagging about going to some castle. Have been ignoring her, as discovered green stone really jaw breaker in disguise.

Day 10 - Hyrule Field  
Tired of Fairy's constant nagging. Plus, nothing to do here. Everyone mad. Say I killed GDT. Stupid forest elves. He's just sleeping.  
Met Saria on way out. Received Ocarina. What, no chocolate? She didn't even spring for new Ocarina. Gave me her old one. Thought she was supposed to be my friend! Drat her and her immunity due to rules of heroism.

Day 12  
HATE HYRULE FIELD! Skeletons popped up at night. One bit me! Bit it back. Not candy. Tasted like old shoe. Asked Fairy if bite looked infected. Fairy laughed. Refusing to talk to Fairy.

Day 13 - Hyrule Castle  
Met Princess...something. Distracted by lack of candy. Found some red hots in bush on way inside. Ate one and it cured bite! Am now wondering how it got in bush. Decided not to ask questions with potentially disgusting answers.  
Anyway, Princess showed me man she says is evil. Think he just needs some sugar. Princess also says there are two other jaw breakers. Creepy bodyguard taught me song. Wanted candy. She also escorted me out of the palace. As if I couldn't sneak past those lazy guards in my sleep. Smelly bodyguard promptly blinded me with Deku Nut. HATE NUTS! .


	2. Goron's Ruby

animedeprived: Well, I'm back! Yay! Link is awesome! Only two things could be better! Link in combination with Kenshin and Koga, and NINJA LINK!

Link: Yes, I do rather fancy the idea of being a ninja. Scaring the crap out of people, then killing them from the shadows. Nice.

animedeprived, wonderfully talented as she is, does not own me, the Legend of Zelda games, or the evil monkey, though she finds monkeys and their tomfoolery fascinating.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter Two

**Goron's Ruby**

Day 20 - Hyrule Field  
Just realized. Have no idea where to go.

Day 25  
Talked to Saria via song. V. strange. Wonder where wires are. She suggested K-something Village. Wonder where that is.

Day 27  
Decided to go to mountain in distance. Reminds me of song involving candy.

Noon - K-something Village  
Hey, look. Found that K-something Village.

Noon  
Found piece of dark chocolate. V. tiny, one-fourth size of big piece. Fairy says I have to gather three more before I can eat it. Maybe eat fairy instead.

Noon  
Hey. Why is it still noon?

Noon  
Have been trying to figure out noon-thing. So far have only discovered meaning of life.

Noon  
Gave up on noon-thing. Tried to climb mountain. Guard at gate laughed at me. Will show him when I sneak over wall tonight.

Noon  
Crap. Forget it's always noon and thus, no night. DON'T THESE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND MY NINJA SKILLS DON'T WORK WELL IN THE DAYTIME?

Noon  
Guard saw me try to climb wall.

Noon  
Fell off wall trying to shoot laughing guard. Stuff under shield fell out. Guard found letter from Princess. Wondering when she put it there. Must learn daytime ninja skills from bodyguard.

Day 28 - Death Mountain  
FINALLY! No more noon. Enjoyed endless all-you-can-eat lunch buffet, though.

Day 28 - Goron City  
After Guard let me through, found weird rock people called Gorons. Chief did funny dance. Ha ha! Dance, my large and clumsy Goron puppet! DANCE! With Chief at my mercy, will become Goron King!

Day 28  
Goron...stops dancing...when music stops...Been playing four hours...Forced...to stop...lips numb...fingers...feel broken...feeling faint...

Day 29  
Crap! Died! Apparently, no sugar for too long causes death. Need to watch that.

Day 30  
Chief refuses to hand over jaw breaker. Says I have to clear out some cave first. Big deal. Why can't they clean their own cave? Chief gave me bracelet. Wanted candy. Bracelet old, dull, jewels missing. Why can't anyone buy NEW stuff for me? Cheapskates.

Day 31  
Bracelet helps me lift exploding flowers. At least it's good for something. Explosions cool.

Day 32 - Dodongo's Cavern  
In cave. V. dirty, but not what Goron meant. Must clear out MONSTERS! This is the second time. Why can't these people fix their own problems?

Day 32  
Hit by flaming bat. Shield burned up. Stupid forest elves and their all-natural weapons.  
BBQ bat for dinner. Sadly, no dessert.

Day 39 - Kokiri's Forest  
Forced to hike to Forest for new Shield. Snuck into Mido's house and opened chest.  
Found evil monkey. Closed chest and ran.

Day 45 - K-something Village  
Went to Market for different, fire-proof shield guard at mountain gate mentioned. Contemplated buying guide to this stupid quest to avoid things like this.

Day 47 - Dodongo's Cavern  
Finally back in cave. Found Kokiri Shield in chest just inside entrance. Rage beyond words.

Day 47  
Found Dodongo's stomach. Opened, hoping for undigested candy. Found bombs. Only slightly disappointed. Then one exploded in my face.

Day 47  
Climbed inside dead Dodongo. Surprisingly... cave-ish inside.

Day 47  
Fought fire-breathing freak lizard. Made it eat bombs, then poked it with sword until it rolled into lava and turned into fossil. What a lame way to die.  
And now...YES! More dark chocolate!

Day 47 - Death Mountain  
Ended up in front of cave. Chief gave me new jaw breaker. Finally, someone with enough sense to understand that I want candy! Lost rest of conversation, as was prying jaw breaker out of setting. Finally noticed Gorons advancing with arms open. Ran for my life and threw self off cliff to avoid potentially fatal Goron hug. Don't they realize how fragile I am?


	3. Zora's Sapphire

animedeprived: Whee! Chapter Three of my awesome LINK story! YAY LINK! Take it away!

Link: animedeprived does not own me (unfortunately), the Legend of Zelda games, Pinocchio (which she doesn't want anyway. That movie sucks), or South Park, a line of which she is borrowing for this fic. She has, however, patented the term "Righteous fury!" Say it, and you owe her a dollar. Chocolate chip cookies are also acceptable.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter Three

**Zora's Sapphire**

Day 48 - Hyrule Field  
Feeling woozy after last dungeon. Been wandering around looking for red hots. No luck so far. Fell down a hole. Not able to muster enough sugariness to climb out.  
Hey, what's that pretty light floating so hallucinating-ly toward me?  
Ulp. Think I just swallowed a fairy.  
TASTED LIKE COOKIES! Warm, soft, fresh out of oven, perfectly melted chocolate, delicious cookies!  
Wonder what my Fairy tastes like.

Day 48  
Like hundreds of used acidic hypodermic needles. Will be scrubbing mouth for years.

Day 49  
Just realized. Haven't bathed since started this quest...or before then, either. Went to river, but stupid current washed away pine needle shampoo I stole from Saria. sniff It smelled so good.

Day 49½ - Zora's River  
Went upstream to find other place to wash. Ran into huge owl. Thought it would eat me, but it just started talking.

Day 49 3/4  
Stuffed Bombs in ears to drown out bloody owl. Fairy and GDT short-winded compared to this thing.  
P.S. Found bottle of icing in bush. Now so hyper, energy shoots from my sword when I spin around like a flipping pansy.

Day 49 5/8  
Wishing owl had just eaten me.

Day 50  
FINALLY! Stupid owl shut up! Blew up rocks (heh heh. Sweet explosion) and went up river. Forced to hold chicken over head to make it to waterfall. Relieved when it didn't crap on me.

Day 51 - Zora's Domain  
Went into waterfall and found fish people! Man, this country is infested with FREAKS!

Day 51  
King of Fish-freaks lost his Fish-freak Princess and expects ME to find her! Why do I have to fix everyone else's problems! I AM NOT A COOKIE! You know what? Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Day 53  
Forced by Fairy to help. Worse than stupid Cricket with whiny wood boy who should count his blessings. It could be worse. He could be firewood.

Day 53 - Zora's Fountain  
Fish-freaks really conceited. Everything here named after them.  
GIGANTANAMOUS FISH IN FOUNTAIN! If that's not bad enough, I have to climb inside it! Why does quest for stones force me to crawl around in so many guts?

Day 53 - Inside Jabu-Jabu  
Will never complain about tree guts again.

Day 53  
Found stupid Fish-freak Princess. V. stuck up. What? You refuse my help? You can do it yourself?  
Righteous fury! I'm out of here!

Day 53  
Tell me she didn't just fall down that hole, screaming for help.

Day 53  
She did.

Day 53  
Stuck up Fish-freak Princess forced me to carry her though ENTIRE dungeon! Will admit Her Royal Pudginess came in handy holding switches and killing enemies. She didn't have to kick me in the head with those spurs, though.

Day 53  
Defeated big lightning rod. Think it singed my hair. On plus side, more dark chocolate and no more fish guts. On infinitely worse side, Princess of Fish-freaks wants to marry me. Said jaw breaker is really engagement ring. It's a jaw breaker. Stop trying to make this into a soap opera. Besides, isn't it, like, illegal for two ten-year-olds to get married?


	4. Temple of Time

animedeprived: Cardboard and swords and Anakin Skywalker's head in a cooler in my Mythology teacher's classroom with his brains spilling out and his eyes in Tea's spaghetti. OOooOooOoooo... I own a knife. And Sailor Saturn's Silence Glaive (in my disturbingly violent dreams).

Link: Sorry, everyone. She's having a homicidally random moment.

animedeprived: KILLLLLL!

Link: animedeprived does not own anything I said she didn't own in previous chapters. Or Anakin Skywalker. Or Yu-Gi-Oh. Or Sailor Moon and therefore Sailor Saturn and her Silence Glaive, which is wicked cool. Or King Arthur, who is also cool. But not as cool as Koga. Who is not as cool as me. Sadly, I am not as cool as Kenshin.

animedeprived: It's okay. I still love you tons.

Link: I know you do.

animedeprived: OOooooooOOOOooo... CHICKEN! Kill the chicken!

Link: NO, NOT THE CHICKEN! THEY'LL KILL US ALL!

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter Four

**The Temple of Time**

Day 55 - Hyrule Field  
Hey, guess what? Have all three jaw breakers! Quest over! Game, set, match for Link!  
Think I'll loiter around for a while.

Day 56 - K-something Village  
Played with chickens all day. Thankfully, not crapped on once. Got bottle to put cookie fairy in! Wonder what chicken will do if I poke it with my sword. Maybe it'll lay solid milk chocolate Easter egg!

Day 56  
AHHHHHHHHHHH! THE CHICKENS ARE INVADING! NOOOOO! ANYWHERE BUT THE EYES! DON'T PECK THE EYES!  
I TAKE IT BACK! PECK THE EYES! PECK THE EYES!

Day 57 - Lake Hylia  
At Lake Hylia hospital and resort getting chicken wounds disinfected. Owww...  
Think loitering time over. Must get back to quest and forget this ever happened.

Day 59  
Tried to visit nice, non-fishy Princess. Was almost trampled. Twice.  
Found new blue Ocarina in moat. Struck me as odd. Ocarina doesn't work underwater. Then sugar-withdrawl hallucination of Zelda that teaches you the Song of Time told me to go the Temple of Time.

Day 59 - Temple of Time  
In temple. V. dirty. No priests, priestesses, or frightened worshipers. Temple's god must be ticked.  
Oooo... Inscription.  
"Place Spiritual Stones" (aka jaw breakers) "in designated slots and play song."  
Uh-oh.  
Hope it works with just the settings.

Day 59  
Yay! It worked!  
OooOOoooOOOOooOoooOOOooooo... Sword in a stone! If I pull it out, I'll be King of all Britain!

Day 59  
What the heck is Britain?

Day 59  
Anyway, on to pull out sword! Yay! Pretty blue light!  
Is that maniacal laughter I hear?


	5. Forest Temple

animedeprived: PARTY AT MY AUNT'S HOUSE! My four cousins and I are gathering there to complain about life, listen to sweet music, and watch THE THIRD INUYASHA MOVIE! No adults, no rules, no worries! And we get paid! (Well, two of us, anyway). Yay, mini-vacation!

Link: animedeprived does not own Jolly Ranchers, Spider-Man, Inuyasha, Ghost Busters, or a sword, though she makes a habit of stealing Koga's, since he doesn't use it regularly, as Kenshin and I do.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 5

**The Forest Temple**

Day ? - Where the heck am I?  
Okay...sitting here on slab of rock in middle of endless void. Did something happen that I should know about?  
HOLY CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! WHERE DID THE FAT, BALD MONK COME FROM?  
What? Ganondorf entered the Sacred Realm? He made the world into a twisted version of what it once was? You locked me in here for seven years to protect me from him? The writer of this fanfiction is insane?  
Well, at least I didn't have to go through puberty.  
Wait, wait, wait! Back the ice cream truck up!  
I'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR SEVEN YEARS WITH NO SUGAR!  
Oh, jeez. I feel faint.

Day 7 years + 1 - Chamber of Sages  
Well, hope he's happy. Just died from lack of sugar again. If he wants me to kick King of Evil butt for him, he'd better start treating me better.  
Hey, what's that he's holding? Could it be? Could I possibly hope? Does he actually have...  
PIE!

Day 7 years + 1  
EWWWWW! NASTY LIGHT PIE! No fat, no calories, no flavor! No sugar, either. That's what seriously cheesed me off! Forced to eat 7-year-old cookie fairy to replenish sugar reserves. Yes, pie has lots of calories, but I need them if I'm going to run around Hyrule kicking monster butt for who knows how long!  
Oh, monkey cheese! What is he talking about now? I need to find more sugar before I die again! One stale fairy only does so much!

Day 7 years + 1 - Temple of Time  
Temple looks exactly the same. Actually kinda creepy. Ah, well. On to my glorious quest for sugary treats!  
Hey, who's that lurking in the shadows in a strangely hostile way?

Day 7 years + 1  
Homicidal shadow introduced itself as Shiek of Skeikah. Told me I had to find other Sages and eat their pies to gain their strength. Not sure how that works, but, hey, I get pie, so who cares? Said first Temple is in Forest, but before that, I have to go to K-something Village and break into grave keeper's grave. Isn't that illegal?  
Not sure if Shiek man or woman. Could be problem, as find Shiek hot.

Day 7 years + 2 - Kakariko Village  
Back in Kakariko (finally learned how to spell it by pausing and copying name that appears on screen. Hooray for being 17 and smart). Dug up old guy like ordered. Really not sure why I listen to Shiek. Anyway, rotting corpse was clutching thing called Hookshot. Stole it. Also wanted gold watch, but soldiers came and I ran off.

Day 7 years + 3  
Can now leap from rooftop to rooftop! Feel like Spider-Man! WHEE!

Day 7 years + 3  
Oh, yeah. Temple.

Day 7 years + 6 - Kokiri's Forest  
Someone redecorated Forest. Must have been power-thirsty Mido. Find monster-infested shag carpet a bit much.

Day 7 years + 6  
Holy undergarments! Met s/he Sheik on way in. Swear there was no one here, but down s/he dropped, like a stick from an uptight butt. Learned song that makes green light swirl around me and put me on rock slab in Lost Woods. Hooray for no more walking so much!

Day 7 years + 6 - Forest Temple  
At entrance, two huge guard wolves attacked. Back flipped and stabbed wolf. Felt like ninja. Need black tunic.  
V. musty in Temple. Stupid forest elves need to learn proper housekeeping skills. Will probably die from mold or carbon monoxide poisoning.  
What's this?  
Bow and arrows! Always wanted one of these!

Day 7 years + 6  
AHHHHH! GHOSTS! HAUNTED TEMPLE!  
Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!

Day 7 years + 6  
Forgot Ghostbusters doesn't exist. Consulted cheat book, then shot ghost with arrows. Always thought ghosts were intangible.

Day 7 years + 6  
Hey, look at the pretty pictures! Something's moving in one. It's little mini-Ganondorf! Awww! He's riding a little mini black horsie! It's so cute!  
What's that light?  
OWWW! MY EYE! HE POKED ME IN THE EYE! **AND** STOLE MY CANDY! I'LL KILL HIM!

Day 7 years + 6  
Holy sugary sweetness! He's shooting glowy stuff at me! No one said anything about anyone shooting glowy stuff at me!

Day 7 years + 6  
Awesome! Glowy stuff bounces off shiny reflectiveness of my sword!  
Ha ha! It zapped you! I win!

Day 7 years + 6  
My mouth is watering. My first dark chocolate in seven years! It tastes so good.  
Okay, fun's over. Into blue light to listen to another old geezer nag about hero's duties.

Day 7 years + 6 - Chamber of Sages  
Ooo! Plot twist! Forest Sage not old guy I've never seen before. Oh, no.  
Forest Sage is Saria.  
Told me not to give up and gave me pie crust filled with green jolly ranchers and green-colored icing. She remembered my favorite pie flavor!

Day 7 years + 6 - Kokiri's Forest  
Great. Dumped in front of gray GDT skeleton. Really needed reminder of that.  
What's that little cluster of leaves with the obviously magical light shining on it, marking it as significant? Maybe I should lean down reeeealll close to it and see what happens.

Day 7 years + 6  
Well, that scared the holy monkeys out of me. GDT Sprout popped out of ground right in my face, then started spewing info about how I got into Forest. Thought I only had to sit through one of these per dungeon. This violates my contract.  
Did find out difference between Kokiri and Hylian, though. My ears 10 more pointy. Take that, forest elves.

Day 7 years + 6  
Yay. Defeating Temple undid nasty interior designing. Forest elves happily prancing around like ninnies again. I think I'll go talk to Mido and brag about how I've grown and he can't. It's payback time for all those timeshe tortured me withhis taunting and hitting and making fun of my Kokiri Scout dance routine that Saria said looked absolutely adorable, especially with the tutu... Okay, that definitely qualifies astoo much information.  
What's that? I look like Link?

Day 7 years + 7 - Hyrule Field  
Had to get out of there. Everywhere I turn, "You look like Link. You look like Link." I **AM** LINK!  
Sadly, was created with no voice, so declaration of my identity will never be heard. If had let Saria teach me to read and write, wouldn't be in this predicament.  
I know what you're thinking. If I can't read or write, how do I keep a journal?  
You figure it out.


	6. Fire Temple

animedeprived: OOOOOoooOoooooOOOOOoooo! Fire Temple! It's my favorite Temple! There's fire _everywhere_. Other than that, it sucks. I hate the red tunic. It makes my Link look bad. Not ugly, but not as hot. I want a freaking s'more.

Link: Yes, of course _you_ enjoyed the Fire Temple. You weren't the one falling in all that lava.

animedeprived: Well, you have to admit that the dragon was cool.

Link: Yeah, okay, it was. Potentially fatal, but cool. animedeprived doesn't own... well, I guess there's nothing in here that you don't know that I haven't said before. Awesome.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 6

**The Fire Temple**

Day 7 years + 10 - Kakariko Village  
Sick and tired of hiking for three days to go half a mile. Screw this, I'm breaking down and buying a cheat book.

Day 7 years + 10  
Ooo... I learn a new song here. I'll just go do that now.

Day 7 years + 10  
Learned Song of Storms from v. ticked looking man in windmill.

Day 7 years + 10  
Okay... transportation, transportation... Hey! I get a horse! She looks so fuzzy! Can't resist strong urge to get her right now. Where's Lon Lon Ranch?

Day 7 years + 17 - Hyrule Field  
Played Song of Storms. Expected lightning to shoot down and smite my enemies. Got rain. Got wet. Fairy laughed. Wish had Song of Slow Fairy Death.  
Been searching for ranch. Unable to locate. Fairy finally suggested checking map.  
I have a map?

Day 7 years + 18  
Whhhheeeeeeeee! Love Epona! Pretty, fast, fuzzy horsie! Unfortunately, she thinks orange bangs are carrots. Don't see how, as they are shiny and luxurious, not bumpy and dirty. Or carrot flavored...right?

Day 7 years + 18  
Hair definitely not carrot flavored. In fact, tastes strangely like horse spit.  
In other news, Fairy says something wrong with mountain. As hero, obliged to check it out.

Day 7 years + 20 - Goron City  
Amazing! Only one Goron left in city. Others taken away to substitute as Ganondorf's pet chow.  
Thought about enslaving remaining Goron and becoming King of Gorons, as is my dream, but decided against it. Only Goron small and wimpy. No good for backbreaking manual labor. Plus, said he has new tunic for me. Please be black, please be black, please be black.

Day 7 years + 20  
It's _red_. Red too close to pink for my liking. Then again, blood is red, and blood is awesome. But still! Red doesn't go well with my coloring! Tiny Goron wuss says tunic is heat resistant. Rather go into pit of boiling lava without it.

Day 7 years + 20 - Death Mountain Crater  
Wow...didn't realize...boiling hot lava...was so HOT! Fairy...made good point... Wear red tunic...that's bad with my coloring...or roast Link for supper.  
Decided to wear tunic. Will complain endlessly about it, but will wear it.

Day 7 years + 20  
Yay! Now it's nice and toasty in here, not melty-hot like before.  
Hold on. Thought surfacing. Melty...melty...melty...  
S'MORES!

Day 7 years + 21 - Fire Temple  
Forced by Fairy to stop making s'mores. Plan to sulk until given cookie. Only ate 4,228 s'mores. Need more sugar.  
Met Shiek on way into Temple. How can s/he stand heat without bad-for-my-coloring red tunic? S/he's not even sweating! Learned stupid new song that swirls me in red light and dumps me in crater. Nice. Blinded by another nasty nut. Life goes on.

Day 7 years + 21  
Lots of lava. Everywhere. And gag-me red tunic, while heat-resistant, is no good against fire or lava. Learned this through painful first-hand experience. Fairy won't let me to hospital to get third degree burns checked.

Day 7 years + 21  
Slowly going insane. Fire randomly shooting out of everywhere. Constantly chased by suicidal flaming bats. Ugly red tunic slowly destroying my hotness. Gorons everywhere. Plenty of advice. No sugar. Really need sugar more.

Day 7 years + 21  
Found v. big hammer in chest. Licked. Disappointed to discover that it tasted like rusty metal, not candy.

Day 7 years + 21  
Hallelujah! Finally able to get to Boss. Need out of this sugar-free dungeon.

Day 7 years + 21  
Boss is _really_ big lava dragon. Cool! I love dragons...when they're not trying to kill me. Knew there would be dragon somewhere in this quest. Let's get this over with.

Day 7 years + 21  
Starting to freak out. Sword, arrow, bombs all useless! HOW DO I KILL IT! Wait, where's my cheat book?  
Hey, stop! Those are my beans! You can't eat them! I was going to trade them for candy!

Day 7 years + 21  
Wow. Apparently if fire-breathing dragon eats beans, it craps fire until it dies. Disgustingly cool to watch.  
Don't really care how it died, though. Still get dark chocolate.

Day 7 years + 21 - Chamber of Sages  
Dumped here again. Listened to Chief Goron Darooniananana... Hey, stop rolling the dialogue so fast! I need to spell this guy's name!  
Note to self: Write threatening letter to tech department.  
Hey, fat butt! Where's my- Yay! Cherry pie! Another note to self: Write worship letter to kitchen about pie.

Day 7 years + 21 - Death Mountain Crater  
And the blue light puts me down in the pit of boiling lava again. Great. Now how do I get out of here?  
OMG! Is that a piece of dark chocolate I see? And there's another one!  
I love this place.


	7. Water Temple

animedeprived: YAY! KENSHIN MANGA! It's mine, all mine and none of you can touch it! BWAHAHAHAHA! _ahem_ Yeah. I went to Barnes and Noble for a field trip Wednesday, so I bought Kenshin manga. I'm reading them for the second time. Yay! Kenshin! He's so cute!

Link: Hey!

animedeprived: Sorry, you're cute, too. Don't take it personally.

Link: It's okay. I knew coming into this relationship that you would always love Kenshin more than me. What can I say? He's wicked awesome. animedeprived does not own Ganondorf's Fast-Acting Diarrhea Drops. Fool your friends. Take revenge on your enemies. Remember, think evil. Think Ganondorf. Then stab him between the eyes.

animedeprived: Oh, P.S. that key thing down near the bottom? Yeah, that actually happened to me the last time I played. I was stuck in the Water Temple for almost a month because of that. I almost broke my N64.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 7

**The Water Temple**

Noon - Kakariko Village  
Heard villagers talking. Apparently, volcano erupted when dragon died and three houses burned down. Plan to tiptoe quietly out of village when people go to sleep.

Noon  
Forgot it's always noon here. Will have to sneak out in daytime. Really hope my daytime ninja skills have improved.

Day 7 years + 23 - Hyrule Field  
As I snuck out, someone said, "Hey, who's that person sneaking suspiciously away from the scene of the crime?" Barely escaped. Luckily, they can't leave village. Will harbor deep fear of pitchforks and squirrels for rest of life.  
Ate some red hots to silence incessant beeping that's been annoying me since dragon died. Good thing I found some, too. Beeping nearly drove me insane.  
Or did it?

Day 7 years + 24  
Fairy said something about cold wind from Fish Freak Land. Hmm, I wonder what it could possibly be. Maybe WINTER? Duh.

Day 7 years + 26 - Zora's Domain  
Hate when Fairy pulls out my hero's contract to make me do things. Knew I shouldn't have signed it.  
Anyway, Fish-Freak Land all frozen. Don't really care. Have to go to frozen cave for some reason. Had better involve ice cream.

Day 7 years + 26 - Ice Cavern  
R-r-really c-c-cold in h-h-here. N-n-need w-w-warmth.  
H-h-hey! B-b-blue f-f-fire... Awes-s-some! I c-c-can s-s-sell it!

Day 7 years + 26  
Remembered Kakariko villagers ticked at me, and no other stores around here. So, went with only other option and used fire to grill this wolf I killed. Luxurious white fur makes really good coat.  
Seriously. If the best monster is a _wolf_, I'm walking out in one piece. This is my kind of dungeon.  
Oh, found metal-covered shoes in chest after killed wolf. No idea what they could possibly be for. Maybe to help me win some kind of freaky sumo match.  
Wait. There's no dark chocolate. And no blue light to whisk me away for pie! What's happening?

Day 7 years + 27 - Zora's Domain  
Stupid decoy dungeons and their stupid easiness and stupid lack of dark chocolate and pie. Now I have to go _all_ the way to Lake Hylia to get to Water Temple, _AND_ can't take secret shortcut because it's frozen! Have to walk _all _the way there and -

Day 7 years + 28 - Lake Hylia  
Forgot I had horse.  
Got new tunic from Fat King of Fish Freaks. Again? Geez, when I was little, I ran around in the same thing for seven years. Now it's all "Change your clothes, Link" and "Wash daily, Link." Hygiene is for sissies.  
About tunic. It's blue, not black. Wanted black. At least blue doesn't clash with my coloring. Oh, and it lets me breathe underwater, but who cares about that?

Day 7 years + 28  
WAAAAHHH! Shiek fell out of sky! Almost landed on my head! Also scared the cookies out of me. I was gonna eat those!  
S/he said s/he managed to save a Zora from under the ice. Hope it's not Her Royal Pudginess.  
Learned new song that makes pretty blue light swirl around me and bring me to slab of rock in middle of lake. Yay.  
Wait, how does s/he always know when to show up and teach me new song?  
I'M BEING STALKED!

Day 7 years + 28  
Okay. Though lake is mostly dry, there's still patch of water in middle, and of course, _that's_ where Temple is. How do I even get down there?  
Let's see. I have some bombs. Hookshot. Green tunic that does nothing. Brown boots that do nothing. Red tunic that's bad with my coloring. Shield. Sword. Bow and arrows. Hammer. Blue tunic that lets me breathe underwater. Heavy metal boots that would surely let me sink to the bottom of said water.  
Of course! How could I be so stupid!  
The bombs! Explosions fix everything!

Day 7 years + 28  
Well, maybe not everything. Now I'm wet. Must change tunic and boots. Sissy tights still dry. It baffles the mind. Hooray for new pair of boots and tunic that's not bad with my coloring!  
Wow, these boots are heavy.  
Hey, get away from the edge! No, bad feet! You'll drown me! Mommy!

Day 7 years + 28 - Water Temple  
Interesting. Underwater, but not drowning.  
Made it into Temple. Will now float to bottom in slow manner so gamer has time to build spaceship before I get there.

Day 7 years + 28  
Found Ruto at bottom. Tried to scream. Got bubbles.  
Of all the Fish Freaks in Fish Freak Land, why did s/he have to save HER! Just hope Her Royal Pudginess (HRP) doesn't remember thing about jawbreaker and "engagement."

Day 7 years + 28  
Yeah. Yeah, she remembers. At least she left fairly quickly. Don't want to carry HRP through another dungeon, as she is much bigger and will probably give me a hernia.  
Found sign and cord in room three floors up. Sign said, "Pull this cord." Who am I to argue? Heard weird flushing sound and noticed water that brought me up here was receding! Leapt down, hoping to land in it, but sadly, face met stone floor.

Day 7 years + 28  
Oo! Piece of candy!

Day 7 years + 28  
Ohhhhhh... my stomach. Think I'm going to crap myself... Where's the bathroom?

Day 7 years + 28  
What's with the line! I have to go _now_!

_Valiantly, our hero draws his sword and fights his way through the queue of unsuspecting monsters, swinging left and right with the legendary Master Sword. Monster heads, limbs, and toilet paper soon litter the cold tile floor. To make this an even greater feat, he manages all of this while prancing and skipping about in a manner unrivaled by even the most crowded pansy convention. Finally, triumphant, Link sheathes his sword. _

Day 7 years + 28  
Thought I was never going to get out of that bathroom. Maintenance man came in to clean up dead monster bodies. Told me plumbing was bad. Coincidently, went out and Temple filled to second level with water again.

Day 7 years + 28  
Read wrapper from candy I found. "Ganondorf's Fast-Acting Diarrhea Drops."  
Oh, the well-place irony.  
Curse you, Ganondorf! You and all of your descendants will pay for this! I will hunt you down and make you suffer for the humiliation dealt to me this day! I swear, on all that is sugary sweet, that one day I will - oo! Piece of candy!

Day 7 years + 28  
Can't believe I fell for that again.  
When emerged from bathroom for second time, found water at top level. Have to sink down and pull cord again. Hope HRP not still lurking around down there.

Day 7 years + 28  
Hate this Temple! Only been in here half an hour, and already been in all the rooms! Know where to go now, but need key first! Been in every other room three times! NO KEY!

Day 7 years ?  
Lost all track of time. Who knows how many years have passed as I waste away in this pit of smelly water? How long before I die? Has Ganondorf managed to take over universe yet? Will I ever eat dark chocolate again? Why have the sugar gods forsaken me? WHY!

Day 7 years + 28  
Forgot day stays same in dungeon. Also forgot about cheat book. Found key under block in central pillar. V. obvious. V. ticked.

Day 7 years + 28  
Met myself today. Upset when saw other me was allowed black tunic. Fought myself. Took forever, as I am best swordsman in Hyrule. It is possible that I am only swordsman in Hyrule. Killed myself, which felt like suicide, except I'm still alive. Weird feeling.  
Body disappeared. Yay, deniability! Black tunic gone, too.  
Blast!

Day 7 years + 28  
Finally through dungeon! Boss was nasty brown-colored water. Refused to fight it and ran away. Boss splatted on wall and left brown smear that smelled v. bad. Eeeewww.

Day 7 years + 28 - Chamber of Sages  
Always hope blue light won't bring me here. Never surprised when it does. Just v. depressed.

Day 7 years + 29- Lake Hylia  
Forced to take blueberry pie and run. That's right. HRP is Water Sage. Tried to kiss me. Almost puked on her. Tried to run, but realized I was on giant slab of rock in middle of endless void. So, stole pie and jumped bak in light. Barely got away. Now am out of HRP's grasp forever! She can't leave rock slab!  
Hey, wait. If Sages can't leave rock slab, where do they go? New Sage is only one there after dungeon. Is there some kind of secret Sage spa in Sacred Realm or what? I know! The colored things on the floor are really trap doors and Sages are having awesome cookie party without me! NOOOOOOO!  
P.S. Congratulations to Cherry-sama for correctly guessing the next flavor of pie!

Day 7 years + 29  
Water rushing back into lake. Fish-Freaks saved, blah, blah, blah.  
Hey, never noticed that plaque before. What's it say?  
"When water fills the lake, shoot for the morning light."  
Well, I did what the other sign said. Don't want to be hypocritical.

Day 7 years + 29  
OMG! Take back all my complaining! Crappy Temple worth flaming arrows of joyness! Oh, and longer Hookshot so I can fly farther. Feel like Spider-man on steroids! On downside, can fall farther, too.


	8. Bottom of the Well

animedeprived: Back again, my monkeys! I'm on Spring Break! Yes! I finally get to stay up and watch Inuyasha! It had better have Koga.

Link: animedeprived does not own Lassie. That's good, because I'm allergic to dogs. She doesn't own Inuyasha either, though she does want to rub his ears. So do I. They look so fuzzy.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 8

**The Bottom of the Well**

Day 7 years + 32 - Lake Hylia  
Was having fun shooting crows with flaming arrows. Until Fairy nagged me about continuing quest. Plus, icing meter needs replenished, and getting tired of eating BBQ crow. Too many feathers to pick off.

Day 7 years + 32 - Hyrule Field  
Icing meter full. Now what? I think I'll sit here on this big rock until an idea comes to me in the form of one of those hovering light bulbs.  
Best I can come up with is look in cheat book.  
Let's see... Water Temple... Here we go. "Once the Water Temple is complete, Link" (aka me) "must learn the Song of Storms from the crabby man in the windmill. Then, he returns to the Temple of Time and reverts to his past self by replacing the Master Sword in the pedestal."  
What? There are crabs in the windmill? Anyway, glad I already learned song. Villagers probably still miffed.

Day 7 years + 34 - Temple of Time  
Thought about what book said. Did some training, ate some chocolate skulltulas, got attacked by a duck... Realized if pulling sword from stone made me old, putting sword back should have reverse effect. Have never heard of King Arthur doing this, but cheat book never lied to me before.

Day 57  
Hey, it worked. I'm a kid again. Yay (note the sarcasm in my nonexistent voice). I MISS MY RUGGED MANLINESS! (A/N: Me, too, Link. Me, too.)

Day 59 - K-something Village  
Know I can spell village name. Unfortunately, future journal not written yet, so can't cheat. Blast.  
Anyway, cheat book says to go to windmill and play Song of Storms. Don't see how this will help, as no lightning.

Day 59  
Yep. As I suspected, song only made it rain inside. All quake at the mighty power of the Song of Storms. It's more a Song of Light Drizzle.  
Oh, rain from song made windmill turn faster. Not sure how the two are related, but then apparently, that's why windmill guy becomes so cranky. Doesn't he realize that it slows down as soon as I go out? Besides, faster windmill means more electricity or grain grinding... or more whatever this windmill does. So really, I'm doing everyone a favor.  
Got wet in rain, so decided to hop on insanely fast turn-y thing for spin cycle. Puked after five minutes. Got it all over windmill guy. Now that's something to be upset about for seven years.

Day 59  
Faster turning windmill drained old well. Looked inside. V. dark and deep like black hole. Getting "really creepy stuff is down there, so avoid it like the Plague" feeling. Unfortunately, have to jump in anyway. Really hope bottom covered with cotton candy, as don't want to die.

Day 59 - Bottom of the Well  
Nope. No cotton candy down here. Just a 10-year-old boy with two broken legs and no voice to yell "Help!" with. Where's Lassie when you need her? Or him? Or whatever. Don't really care, as legs broken.  
Hey, what's that over there?

Day 59  
It's a ladder. A nice, safe ladder I could have climbed down on. Oh, it hurts. It hurts.

Day 59  
All I have is stale fairy from seven years... ago? From now? Ow. Time travel headache.  
Wait, if fairy stale in seven years, then now it must be...  
Yay! Freshness!

Day 59  
Terrified for my cookies. Oh, and my life. Green flaming skull flying around. Fell through floor twice and wall five times. Mummy hand dropped down and grabbed me. Whispering voices with no bodies say the monkeys are coming. Want to leave, but think nasty skeleton sitting next to door reached for me on way in. Swear I saw its eye glow.  
Wait, that's just stupid Fairy fluttering around and trying to tell me how cheese is made. STUPID FAIRY!

Day 59  
Fell through another hole into empty room. Smells v. bad in here, worse then rest of well.  
Oh, that's right. I just farted.

Day 59  
There is not an exclamation of disgust fit for this occasion. And no, this isn't about gaseous bodily functions.  
There are dead hands growing out of the ground like weeds! DEAD as in no longer alive, but still willing to grab my throat as I pass by. Then, while they hold me, big nasty diseased- looking thing comes out of ground to bite my face! It's like a giant's hand had psoriasis and cancer, then was amputated, buried, and left there for two hundred years to rot and be fed on by the rats that caused the Black Plague.  
Will never sleep again.  
Wait. Haven't slept since beginning of quest. Have been sugar high since then, and have not yet calmed down enough to sleep.  
Then again, might not be sugar high much longer if keep projectile vomiting like this.

Day 59  
Managed to beat diseased hand without touching it too much. Will visit Death Mountain Crater in future to singe germs off my hands.  
Got magnifying glass-thingy. Think it's made of candy, so licked it. Is candy, but tastes v. moldy and dusty as has been at bottom of filthy well with diseased zombie hands for who knows how long. Didn't know hard candy had expiration date.

Day 59 - K-something Village  
Finally. Out of well. _Never_ going back down there again. Would rather gag myself with splintery wooden spoon.


	9. Shadow Temple

animedeprived: Well, that was an experience I never want to go through again. I just took my SATs, and I think I slept through them, because I can't remember much except the bubbles. Those bubbles are going to give me nightmares for weeks. I'm still trying to decide if it was better or worse than almost dying because some idiot tried to merge into my lane when I was right beside him.

Link: animedeprived does not own Linkin Park. Now, please excuse me while I go hunt down, torture, and eventually kill the person who almost hurt her.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 9

**The Shadow Temple**

Day 7 years + 34 - Temple of Time  
YES! MY RUGGED MANLINESS! IT HAS RETURNED! Not to mention I have Master Sword back. Never realized how short and stumpy Kokiri Sword is. More like Kokiri Stick.

Day 7 years + 36 - Hyrule Field  
Fairy says I have to go back to Kakariko Village. Is she nuts! They'll kill me! Still haven't disinfected all my rabid squirrel bites!

Day 7 years + 37  
Moved three feet toward Village. Refuse to go any closer. Still have nightmares about flaming squirrels.  
Mmm. BBQ squirrel. Tastes like rat poison.

Day 7 years + 38  
Another three feet today. Roasted Deku nuts on fire. Lured in unsuspecting little bunny. He was so fuzzy and had a wiggly pink nose and twitchy ears and humongous blue eyes that looked at the world in a wonderfully innocent way.  
So I grabbed him.

Day 7 years + 39 - Kakariko Village  
Finally made it inside! I owe it all to Mr. Bunny Fluffy Face. He gave me courage. I stayed up all night enjoying him. He was scared at first, but then resigned himself to his fate and let me pet him all night long! I let him go this morning and he hopped off into the sunrise. Goodbye, Mr. Bunny Fluffy Face! Goodbye and good luck!  
Then a wolf ran up and ate him. Eh. Such is life.  
Anyway, village burning again. Or still burning, for all I know.

Day 7 years + 39  
Found Shiek standing at well. S/he said to stay back because of some evil. Hey, who's the hero of this story? Anyway, something knocked wood thingy off well and swirled s/he through air. Ha ha!  
Oh, monkey turds! It saw me!

Day 7 years + 39  
Woke up spreadeagled on ground with s/he leaning over me. Back up, ambiguously gendered fiend! You're in my bubble! NOOO! S/he popped my bubble...  
Got up. S/he said something about evil breaking out of seal on well. That's funny. Didn't see anything that looked like ancient seal when I was down there seven years ago. Learned song to get to Temple so I can kill evil thing. Typical. Before, when I allegedly burned down half the village, it was "Kill him, kill him!" Now they're all "Save us, save us!" I hate this job.

Day 7 years + 40 - Shadow Temple  
It smells like feet in here.  
Zombie feet.

Day 7 years + 40  
Wheee! Found some fun shoes that hold me up over empty space. Like flying, except have to hurry because boots only work for short time before I fall to my death in never-ending abyss. Personal experience. Also good for sliding around in. Feel like ice skater. My lifelong dream come true! HOLY CRAP! A WALL!

Day 7 years + 40  
Discovered downside of cool shoes. No traction. Feel like hockey player. Ow.

Day 7 years + 40  
This place worse than well. Zombies everywhere. Invisible, rotating, scythe-wielding statues trying to decapitate me. Guillotines trying to dice me up. Lots of walking on things I can't see. Booth selling sugar-free cake. Like scene from one of my darkest nightmares.

Day 7 years + 40  
Found inside river and boat today. Boat quite large. Wonder if there used to be Shadow Temple boat tours. Also wonder who would pay to see this place.  
Anyway, got on boat and it started moving. Like the jingly bells. Dingle-dingle. Dangle-dangle. Dingle-dangle. Dangle-dingle.  
HOLY CRAP! A SKELETON!  
Not really sure why I'm so surprised.

Day 7 years + 40  
Skeletons appear to have upgraded since I was a kid. Have armor. And swords. And got taller.  
Still died quick.  
What's that floating in the water... OH MOTHER OF THE SON OF THE KING OF SIAM'S MONKEY'S TRAINER'S DISCONTENTED TAX AUDITOR!  
I dropped my cheat book in the river!

Day 7 years + 40  
Tried to jump in river to retrieve cheat book, but held back by Fairy. In hindsight, probably a good thing as water looks toxic. Then ship shook and Fairy yelled something about it sinking. Didn't pay attention, as got off five years ago. Fairy needs some wicked ninja senses or something.

Day 7 years + 40  
Fell through hole onto big trampoline-like drum. Thought it was hole-that's-not-really-a-hole, but it was actually a hole. Huge eyeball with arms tried to play drum. Not exactly international rock star with sweet blue mohawk. Worst drumming I ever heard. Stabbed monster to shut it up. Jumped on trampoline while I ate dark chocolate. Really quite fun, especially with Hover Boots on. Need sweet punk rock to bounce to. Like Linkin Park. Linkin Park is awesome.

Day 7 years + 40 - Chamber of Sages  
Smelly bodyguard of Zelda is Sage of Shadow. Makes sense as she has good daytime ninja skills. Impa said Zelda is safe, but more importantly, taught me daytime ninja skills. Finally! Apparently, secret is to close eyes and pretend I'm invisible. Have to pretend it real hard or no one will think I am.  
Even more importantly, got more pie, but not just any pie. Dark chocolate pie with chocolate whipped cream and chocolate chips and chocolate crust and chocolate candle! Ok, maybe candle not made of chocolate. Ate it anyway.

Day 7 years + 41 - Kakariko Village  
Village stopped burning. Aw. Wanted s'mores. Villagers threw big "thank you/we're sorry we tried to kill you" party for me. Lots of meat and alcohol, but no candy. Used new daytime ninja skills to sneak out for candy. Got away unnoticed. Oh, yeah. I rock.

animedeprived: Surely on some level you realized that I couldn't go through this story without a chocolate pie. To be fair, I did consider blackberry, since it's purple and... strangely not black, as the name leads you to believe. But I decided I needed a chocolate pie, which was close enough. If it makes you feel better, tell yourself that the chocolate was spray painted purple or something.


	10. Biggoron Sword

animedeprived: Sorry about the late update last time. I was pretty busy that weekend. Prom. Gagfest. I was out until three in the morning on a Saturday, doing stuff I don't like with people I generally hate. Plus, I missed Adult Swim. Needless to say, I could have found a much better use for my time. Oh, and I have a three day weekend, so I'll try to put up the next chapter soon, to make up for the last week.

Link: animedeprived does not own KFC or Star Wars. She doesn't even like KFC and Star Wars.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 10

**The Biggoron Sword**

Day 7 years + 45 - Death Mountain  
Got rude awakening this morning as tried to doze off massive sugar hangover. Still too sugar high to actually sleep. Anyway, egg I got from chicken lady hatched and crowed at sunrise. Loudly. Right next to my ear. Wanted to make it into Kentucky fried chicken, but Fairy stopped me. Not sure why. Fairy loves to gnaw on chicken bones.

Day 7 years + 47 - Kokiri's Forest  
Tried to go back to state of semi-sleep, but chicken wouldn't stop crowing. So, came back to Forest to find myself and learn about my roots.  
Okay, not really. Fairy nagging about finding next Temple, so am blatantly ignoring her to tick her off.

Day 7 years + 47  
Walking through Lost Woods when chicken went insane. Shortly thereafter, stumbled over what looked like down and out punk rocker from virtually unknown band in the late 1980's. Or just a punk kid whose looks are a desperate plea for his family's attention. Can't decide which. He traded me mushroom for chicken. Not much of a difference. Both smell kinda funky. Or maybe that's unwashed punk rocker I smell. Or unwashed Link.  
Anyway, punk told me to take mushroom to hag in Kakariko. But it _my_ mushroom now. You gave it to me.  
Hey, what's with the timer on the mushroom?  
HOLEY CHEESE WHEELS! It's a bomb!  
So that's where mushroom clouds come from.

Day 7 years + 47 - Kakariko Village  
Hag took mushroom and made it into white powder. Told me to take it back to punk. Said it's medicine. Right. All I know is today would be bad time for first encounter with Hyrulian police.

Day 7 years + 48 - Kokiri Forest  
Punk been replace by Kokiri girl. Asked where punk went, but girl just kept hinting about curse and horrible disfigurement while glancing at me and giggling. Also demanded powder, because it was from forest or some eco-garbage like that. Would have refused, but wanted to get out of there before someone accused me of being pedophile. Girl gave me saw in exchange for powder. That's a ripoff! I could get twelve pounds of dark chocolate for this on the black market, easy!

Day 7 years + 49 - Lon Lon Ranch  
Came here for Epona's 1,000 mile tune up. Showed saw to Talon, hoping he needed it. Talon said he didn't, but carpenters to west might. Checked map. Big area in west all cloudy. Hero's intuition tells me that's where they'll be.  
Came to conclusion that ranch is where Wookies come from. Talon hairier than Chewbacca.

Day 7 years + 51 - Gerudo Valley  
Found carpenters on other side of fifty foot cliff with broken bridge as only was across. Forced to use Epona to jump over. Realized it was actually quite fun once my feet were on solid ground and there was no way I could plummet to my death.  
Head carpenter let out really loud, primitive-beast type roar when I showed him saw. Gave me broken sword for it. Gee, this'll be _real_ helpful in my fight against evil.

Day 7 years + 53 - Death Mountain  
After I complained for two hours, carpenter sent me to Biggoron on top of mountain. BG said he'll fix sword _if_ I go get his eye drops. Great. Been demoted from legendary Hero of Time to errand boy. Wouldn't be treated like this if I was Goron King.

Day 7 years + 54 - Zora's Domain  
Gave prescription to King of Fish Freaks, who gave me eyeball frog. Tried to eat it. Tasted v. cold and slimy. Ew. Tried to return for refund, but Fat Fish Freak will only give me new frog. Wanted candy.

Day 7 years + 55 - Lake Hylia  
King of Fish Freaks explained that frog needed to be taken to druggie in lab on lake. Of course, there was a time limit. Didn't know frogs needed to be refrigerated.

Day 7 years + 55  
Druggie smooshed up frog into eye drops. And BG is going to put that stuff IN HIS EYES! Guess it's not my problem if he gets frog AIDS. As long as he finishes my sword before he keels over.

Day 7 years + 55 - Death Mountain  
Forced to hike from lake to mountain in three minutes. Never been so glad to have horse. Someone needs to invent coolers or those thermal bags that can keep food cold. This is ridiculous.

Day 7 years + 55  
BG took sword stub and gave me rock. Said to come back in a few days for sword. But I wanted to see the monkey.

Day 7 years + 56  
Been spying on Gorons, so can determine best time to initiate plot to overthrow current system of government and become Goron King. So far, unable to determine their sleep patterns, as they lay on their faces all day. Stupid Gorons.  
Screw this. Will use Sun's Song to make time go faster so I can get sword. Sugar highness makes me v. impatient.

Day 7 years + 60  
W00T! Sword even better than I imagined. Longer, sharper, and pointier than Master Sword. Unfortunately, it also is not chocolate wrapped in tin foil. Probably stands up to fight better this way, but it still saddens me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

animedeprived: I would like to apologize. I forgot that Link has to go to His Royal Fatness, King Zora, for the eyeball frog. I thought it came from the hag. Whoops. I haven't played in a while.


	11. Spirit Temple pt 1

animedeprived: Is it a bad thing if you pray for the death of a sibling? Cause I am. Oh, well. I hate holidays, mostly because they involve cramming all of my family into one house, and I hate most of my family. (shudder) Thank God for the holidays that are held in places where I can sneak off and watch Kenshin. I LOVE KENSHIN! Stress reducer!

I'm considering doing Majora's Mask. I don't like it as much as Ocarina of Time. Too many side quests and not enough bosses with butts to kick. I might, just because this stuff is fun to write. There's another fic I kinda want to write first. So, we'll see. Maybe over the summer when I don't have anything better to do.

Link: animedeprived does not own Star Trek and Family Guy. The evil monkey is funny, though.

Oh, P.S. she probably won't be able to update until next Sunday. She's going on an internet free trip. Sorry!

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 11

**Spirit Temple: part 1**

Day 7 years + 53 - Gerudo Valley  
Fairy said something about Temple in desert. As there's no desert anywhere else, will check still cloudy area on map.

Day 7 years + 53 - Gerudo's Fortress  
Wow. Never seen this many hot women in one place before. Seriously. They're all sweating. It's, like, a hundred and nine degrees out here. In the shade.

Day 7 years + 54  
Shooting guards with arrows. Guards insist on only falling unconscious, even when hit between eyes. Actually an entertaining pastime. Until I got caught. Thrown in jail cell by hot, scantily clad women. Saw horror movie like this once. The butler did it.

Day 7 years + 55  
Really no reason to worry. Getting out of jail easier than finding chocolate in room full of veggies.

Day 7 years + 56  
Rescued four fat, dancing carpenters. Didn't want to, but once again, Fairy whipped out hero's contract. Must figure out where she keeps that thing so I can steal it.  
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Let me tell you this. Just because Fairy can fly and I can't jump doesn't mean I can't kick her in the face.  
If she has a face.

Day 7 years + 57 - Haunted Wasteland  
Sand EVERYWHERE! In my boots and gloves and eyes and nose and mouth and ears. Sand under hat in Fairy's house. Hope she suffocates. Butt itches. Suspect sand in there, too.  
Found guy on floaty carpet. Said he had good deal for me. Expecting dark chocolate, took deal.  
Got Bombchus.  
Last I saw, guy flying desperately away from Bombchus I programmed to climb air.

Day 7 years + 58 - Spirit Temple  
Found Temple. Tiny hole I can't possibly fit into to left. Huge block that would give me a hernia if I tried to move it to right. No other passageways.  
Well, that's it. I'm done. Good night, Houston. Hope you enjoyed the show.

Day 7 years + 59 - Desert Colossus  
Shiek the s/he jumped down from sky when I got outside. Not really sure why I'm so surprised at this. Was hoping I would get away, though.  
S/he spewed bunch of philosophical crap about coming back as kid. Why couldn't s/he just say "You need to come back here as a kid."?  
Learned yet another Ocarina song. Thought I was saving world, not becoming band nerd.  
After s/he finished talking, jumped gun and threw Deku nut at s/he first.  
Unaffected.  
Blast.  
In last ditch effort, asked if s/he was man or woman.  
Think was slapped while unconscious.

Day 60 - Spirit Temple  
Used songs to warp around and here I am again, only shorter. Yelled "Scotty, beam me up!" before light took me to Temple of Time, but Fairy smacked me, so didn't repeat it. Must not be Trekkie.  
Contemplating hiring lawyer to file domestic abuse charges against Fairy. Will schedule court date for right after fight against Ganon. Plan to blame battle injuries on Fairy.

Day 60  
My mouth tastes like envelope glue.

Day 60  
Temple looks same except for extremely hot woman looking through tiny hole. Seriously, I can smell her from here.  
Oh, wait. Fairy just farted.  
Rank.

Day 60  
Somehow coerced into crawling through tiny hole. Darn my seventeen-year-old mind in a ten-year-old body. Don't remember being quite this fat.

Day 60  
Found big room with dias that's obviously for chest, so positioned myself at back and used Din's Fire to light torches. When chest appeared, was on top of it! Yes! I am the champion!  
I'm so easily amused it scares me sometimes.

Day 60  
Must say, for last Temple, this is really... disappointing. Okay, more like mind-numbingly easy. Worst opponent I've seen so far is metal statue that shoots beams at me. Snoozefest.  
Oooooo... look at the pretty armor covered statue. I want to touch it...

Day 60  
OMG! I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie! OMG! Statue started moving when I touched it and now it's swinging huge double bladed axe at me trying to take my head off! I'M GONNA DIE!  
Wish I had some kind of spell to protect me from all damage inflicted by opponents!

Day 60  
Ran screaming in circles around monster so many times that it got dizzy and fell over and was decapitated by own axe. Stabbed it through heart to be sure it was dead. W00T! I win!

Day 60  
Found chest with silver covered gloves in it. Seem kind of tacky, but will not hesitate to hawk them for candy.  
Hey, look, there's really hot lady! She's playing hide and seek in the quicksand! Looks like she's yelling something. Must be ticked because those ugly buzzards found her.  
What's that huge shadow looming over me?  
NO! NOT THE OWL! WHERE'S MY SWORD!

Day 60  
Guess everyone was right. Owl does taste like chicken.

Okay, this seriously ticked me off. I didn't learn about the "use Nayru's Love against the Iron Knuckle" thing until the last time I played it. I HATE the Iron Knuckles. Darn me and my stupid not-finding-ways-to-cheat-ness.


	12. Spirit Temple pt 2

animedeprived: Sorry, guys. I know I said Sunday, but fate conspired against me. During my trip, I spent almost all of my time praying that my father wouldn't kill us all. That, and taking pictures. The scenery was gorgeous. Then I had to help my stupid brother with his stupid homework all night Monday and Tuesday. You're lucky you're getting this today, because I've been cooking crap for Japanese class. Anyway, I have a half-day Friday, so I'll try to update soon. Only two more chapters! It makes me sad. I'm gonna miss you all so much. (Except Stalker. You, I could live without).

Link: Ummm...well, I don't think there's anything in here that animedeprived doesn't own (nothing I haven't mentioned before, anyway). Sooooo... how's the weather? Looks like rain.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 12

**Spirit Temple: part 2**

Day 63 - K-something Village  
Tried to hawk tacky gloves, but can't equip them to sell! Have to be an adult. Darn the Hyrulian Magical Item Restriction Council and their stupid laws about not using any good items until you're thirteen!  
Ooooo! I smell a time-warp loop hole.

Day 7 years + 59 - Temple of Time  
(Censored due to highly disturbing and vulgar content).

Day 7 years + 59  
Stupid gloves...Stuck! On! Hands! Get off!  
Curse you, game designers who won't let me hawk tacky gloves for candy! I will have my revenge! Once I'm finished with Ganon, you're next!

Day 7 years + 62 - Spirit Temple  
When attempt to peel off gloves with can opener failed, decided to come back here. Made moving hernia-inducing block nearly pain-free (think I chipped nail, but can't tell, as tacky glove won't come off).

Day 7 years + 62  
Spent last hour or so redecorating. Some sicko came up with dungeon-style interior design game. Face mirror right way and door opens. Face it wrong way and zombie-vampire hand comes down to suck out your soul. Which is terrifying, yet interesting because it has no mouth.  
Ugh. The traffic through here is horrible.

Day 7 years + 62  
Hey, guess what I just thought of!  
Poodles.  
They're the only animal I know that's naked AND fuzzy AT THE SAME TIME! Weird.

Day 7 years + 62  
Back in big central room with humongous Gerudo statue. Can't quite figure out what artist was trying to portray with this piece.

Day 7 years + 62  
Just found new shield. Like it a lot, because it's prettier than ucky Hylian shield. Keeps blinding me, though. On plus side, makes colorful dots float around room.  
Oh, pretty dancing dots. How I wish I could catch you. Alas, you always manage to slip through my fingers.

Day 7 years + 62  
Just spent two hours moving mirrors for no visible reason.  
Kill game designers.

Day 7 years + 62  
Now I see. Move mirrors to redirect light so it bounces off bigger mirror so can use Mirror Shield to bounce light at sun on wall that lowers platform I'm standing on so I can point light at face of goddess statue and make it crumble, then use hookshot to fly over and enter lair of boss.  
Haven't these people ever considered just putting in a flight of stairs?

Day 7 years + 62  
Holy monkey tumors! Not another Iron Knuckle!

Day 7 years + 62  
Hiding from Iron Knuckle behind stone chair. Hope that if there is a higher power out there somewhere, it wont' look back here.  
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Day 7 years + 62  
No need for Iron Knuckle to look. Chair reduced to rubble by one swing of very sharp and heavy axe.  
Note to self: Axe bad. Head on shoulders good.

Day 7 years + 62  
Fortunately through combination of hacking frantically and screaming shrilly, managed to beat Iron Knuckle who, in an odd twist of fate, turned out to be really hot lady, Nabooru. As healthy seventeen-year-old male, find Nabooru quite hot. Not nasty, sweaty hot like when I was young and immature. Like wow-she's-really-pretty hot. Almost as hot as Shiek.  
Did I just write that out loud?

Day 7 years + 62  
Found Bosses. It's really ugly buzzards I saw playing hide-and-seek with Nabooru seven years ago. Only, now I know it was more like hide-Nabooru-and-hope-no-one-comes-seeking-for-her. Those seven years have not been good to them. Ouch.

Day 7 years + 62  
This has got to be most awesomest dungeon EVER! Defeated buzzards by sucking up their attacks and firing them back. Fire ones make Mirror Shield all lava-ish and glowy. What I wouldn't pay to keep it like that all the time. Frickin' sweet.

Day 7 years + 62 - Chamber of Sages  
Met Nabooru, who said she wished she could keep promise to do something "special" for me. Was giggling and winking, which I took to mean she wanted to give me free dark chocolate hearts. Unable to respond.  
Then blue light took me away and I started cursing game designers again. The one hot woman who actually wants to give my dark chocolate, and I'll never see her again!  
I HATE YOU ALL!

animedeprived: And you still don't know the pie flavor. Bwahahahaha! You'll find out at the beginning of the next chapter, which I've actually started already.


	13. Ganon's Tower pt 1

animedeprived: Only one more chapter! What are we going to do? Probably write another series, that's what. I'll probably do Majora's Mask. I need to play it again and take extensive notes, though, because I can't remember all the side quests. I hate side quests.

Link: animedeprived does not own Mountain Dew, though she owns a mountain and there is dew on it. Does that count? She also doesn't own the Wizard of Oz. You should read the books. They're really good.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 13

**Ganon's Tower: part 1**

Day 7 years + 75 - Hyrule Field  
So stunned at Nabooru hitting on me that forgot all about peach pie I got. Been fermenting in heat for thirteen days. Will eat it anyway.

Day 7 years + 76 - ?  
Whooo...can't schee schtraight...(hic) purty culors go (hic) roun' and roun' and roun'...  
Whoopsh. Think jush tripp'd over Faihry...

Day 7 years + 78 - Lake Hylia  
Woke up on roof of lab naked and talking to crow. Or was it flying hippo?  
Anyway, no...more...pie...

Day 7 years + 79  
Faintly remember vision of fat old Sage telling me to go to Temple of Time. Not sure if really happened or if was result of alcoholic pie.  
Going because I'm bored, not because fat guy said so. He gave me nasty pie.

Day 7 years + 80 - Temple of Time  
Have never been so relieved in entire lifetime.  
Found out Shiek is Zelda who vanished for seven years and still didn't think to bring me candy. Still, relieved I'm not gay. Got light arrows to beat Ganon with. Zelda then kidnaped by Ganon, who said I have to beat him to get her back.  
Come on, who didn't see that coming?  
Am now wondering how Zelda fit big poofy skirt in skintight pants.  
Oh, yeah.  
Magic.

Day 7 years + 83 - Gerudo's Fortress  
Decided to give Ganon and Zelda time to work out issues. Went on quest for ice arrows. Hardest part was maze to chest. Almost fell asleep, but was kept awake by hope of finding dark chocolate. Didn't.  
Ice arrows useless. All they do is freeze octopussessesesses... Regular arrows kill them.  
Let's all say it together. Waste. Of. Magic.

Day 7 years + 83 - Lake Hylia  
Fairy v. annoying. Every five minutes, "Save Princess, Save Princess." Wonder if nasty acidic taste as bad as I remember.  
Reduced to shooting crows with ice arrows for entertainment. Relieve tedium by shooting bottle of milk with ice arrow to make ice cream. Have massive ice cream headache. Definitely time to go.

Day 7 years + 85 - Ganon's Tower  
Wow. Ganon redecorated BIG TIME. Wonder how castle floats over lava like that. Wish I could.  
Sages made rainbow bridge to castle for me. Umm...guys, this isn't a Saturday morning cartoon for ten-year-olds. Can I get something a little more butch. You know, flaming skulls and wicked righteous swords and stuff. Besides, bridge is see-through. How do I know it's safe? Are Sages trained architects?

Day 7 years + 85  
Went to mini-Shadow Temple first to get new gloves (remember it from cheat book). Are covered in gold. Ew. These are, like, ultra tacky. "Gag me with my sharp and pointy Biggoron Sword" kind of tacky. Would rather burn flesh off hands in Death Mountain Crater than wear these, but have no choice. Was it so hard to include "change gloves" feature?

Day 7 years + 85  
Went outside and moved block that's three times my height and five times my weight. Despite power of nasty gloves, almost got hernia. Am v. concerned about hernias. Not sure why, as never seem to have time (or ability) to sit.

Day 7 years + 85  
Fount Great Fairy behind huge rock. Gave me fudge, rock candy, cake, iced brownies, dark chocolate, Mountain Dew, hot cocoa, ice cream, cookies, licorice, jaw breakers, suckers, s'mores, donuts, and gummy bears. Love biting heads off gummy bears. It makes them squirm.  
Ate everything and got super-charged with sugary sweetness! Now only take half damage. Sweet action!

Day 7 years + 85  
Almost done beating mini-Temples. In Shadow again. (No, didn't beat it while in here before. That would be out of order Temples are in. To deviate is to cause myself great discomfort. OCD and all that).  
So far, Sage-hallucinations nag me to hurry up. Thought they were better than that. They gave me pie...  
Oh, great, here comes smelly bodyguard Impa to nag me.

Day 7 years + 85  
Love Impa (in platonic, sibling-ish way). Only said to protect Princess. Even said please! Don't think anyone else in stupid country ever said please! Or thank you! Stupid people and their ungratitude..

Day 7 years + 85  
Beat mini-Spirit Temple. Shield around inner tower flashed and vanished. V. pretty. Like magical lightning fireworks.  
And now we're off to see the Wizard. The wonderful Wizard of Oz. Ding, dong, the witch is dead!  
What's that?  
OMG! Ganon locked up entire country's supply of candy in vault.Sign on door says "For counting, not eating"! This is the last straw! Can put up with making world evil. Can put up with his candy pranks. Can put up with his kidnapping Zelda (she's naggy anyway). But hoarding good candy?  
Now it's personal.


	14. Ganon's Tower pt 2

animedeprived: I think I'm gonna cry. THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER! It's horrible. There's going to be a void in my life from now on, or at least until I start on my next fic, which will hopefully be this week. No, it won't be Majora's Mask. That one's going to take a while to coordinate, with all the side quests and the fact that I can't remember much of it. I'll try to start playing it next weekend.

Link: For the final time, animedeprived does not own the Legend of Zelda series. Or Hershey's Kisses. That's all I have to say. If you'll excuse me, I have to ride off into the sunset on Epona with animedeprived. Such is a fitting ending for this noble fanfiction.

animedeprived: P.S. I went back and actually wrote this while fighting Ganon. Everything in the fight here actually happened while I was playing. Man, I've gotten rusty. He hit me more this time than the first time I played. Stupid Ganon.

**The Legend of Zelda: Sugarhigh Ocarina of Time**

Chapter 14

**Ganon's Tower: part 2**

Day 7 years + 85 - Ganon's Tower (still)  
In dimly lit room with flaming kamikaze bats. Killed two bats with one swing. Righteous.  
Went up staircase covered in red shag carpet. Always suspected Ganon was gay.

Day 7 years + 85  
Found room with two lizard things in it. Stupid lizards and their annoying shrieks that get worse when they're dying slowly. At least they don't twitch like dead hand from well did.  
Went through door and found more stairs. Fear this is beginning of long, tedious pattern.

Day 7 years + 85  
This is unexpected. Found chest that's surrounded by flame wall. It's ugly blue and gold chest with Boss Key inside. Didn't think I needed one of those. Was fascinated by flaming wall, but have learned to resist urge to touch.  
Skeletons rose up from floor. Killed them. Took ten seconds each. Got Key.  
Beating dungeon in GDT harder than this.

Day 7 years + 85  
As predicted, more stairs.

Day 7 years + 85  
Smoldering crap on a stick! Found room with two Iron Knuckles!  
ONE IS BAD ENOUGH!  
Thankfully, have recently acquired daytime ninja skills. Work well in dim torchlight, too. Used them to sneak up on monsters and poke one awake at a time. After that, was just a matter of back flips and jump attacks. Hooray for gymnastic camp in 3rd grade. And I used to wonder what good it would do me in the future.  
And ta-da. More stairs. Hear faint organ music.

Day 7 years + 85  
Last room only had pots in it. After, found ANOTHER staircase. No...more...stairs...  
Organ music got louder as I walked up stairs covered in red velvet carpet. Wonder if this is where I meet Phantom of the Opera.

Day 7 years + 85  
Found door at top of stairs. Opened door and saw Ganon trying on frilly pink dresses with Zelda. Closed door and knocked. Reopened door when frantic rustling stopped.

Day 7 years + 85  
Ganon babbling on about something. Noticed he's still wearing eyeshadow. Made some glowy stuff happen, talked about Triforce and how he wants it and I better give it to him. You know, standard end-of-game, tie-up-all-loose-ends, villain's-last-time-to-rant-about-his-evil-plot kind of stuff. Wish had chocolate to pass the time.

Day 7 years + 85  
Ready...FIGHT!  
Fairy said she can't help. Evil is too strong.  
YES! Have been waiting for this for seven years! Can't believe my dream's finally coming true! FAIRY IS FINALLY GOING TO SHUT UP AND LET ME KICK BUTT MY WAY!

Day 7 years + 85  
Dude, that was pathetic. I was getting my butt whooped and jumped down to break jars and recharge. Then came back up and it took ONE hit to kill him!  
Had a good volley going on that last exchange, though. Hit it about 12 times each, and that's after I supercharged it with spin attack.  
Ew, Ganon puke.

Day 7 years + 85  
Wait, what's he doing now? Ganon shouting and made rumbly noise. This does not bode well.  
Oh, well, who cares? Here comes Zelda. I can see up her dress!  
OMG! SHE HAS NO FEET!

Day 7 years + 85  
Asked Zelda why she didn't have feet. Used pending collapse of tower and urgent need to escape as excuse to avoid answering. On way down first ramp, discovered that she squeals if you jump up and land in front of her. Heh, heh.

Day 7 years + 85  
OOoooo... Flaming rocks.  
Whoops. Fell off side of building. Wouldn't have happened if Princess hadn't been hogging walkway. Do all Princesses act this way, or just the ones I know?

Day 7 years + 85  
Oh, crap. Stupid Zelda got caught in firewall. Thought Impa taught her ninja skills so she could avoid stuff like this.

Day 7 years + 85  
Ahhhh! ZOMBIE! It's got me! Stupid Princess! DO SOMETHING! I know you have mad ninja skills! You've been using them to stalk me for the past 85 days!

Day 7 years + 85  
Watched tower crumble to ruin...with candy hoard still inside. It never even had a chance to get eaten.  
Will be mourning this loss for years.

Day 7 years + 85  
Oh, great. Heard thump coming from ruins of tower. Guess I didn't kill Ganon completely dead after all.

Day 7 years + 85  
Firewall sprang up around ruin and look who it is. Ganon flew out of ruins and transformed. Is now even uglier. Didn't think that was possible. Learn something new every day.  
Lost my Master Sword. Eh. Biggoron Sword better anyway.  
Oh, yeah. Fairy's helping again. We're saved.

Day 7 years + 85  
Wow. Ganon really stupid. Keep turning when he turns and poking his tail with my sword. Idiot doesn't realize that if he did one-eighty, he would get me.  
Maybe I shouldn't be writing journal entry during epic battle that decides fate of entire known universe.

Day 7 years + 85  
Beat Ganon down in two minutes and got Master Sword back. Zelda spouted something about beating evil with sacred sword. Whatever.  
Interesting. Can't walk off edge of platform into pit of lava.\  
But I wanted to...

Day 7 years + 85  
Predictably, firewall flared up again after I reentered ruins. Poked Ganon in tail with my sword to get him on his feet, then proceeded to beat him down again. Hasn't touched me once.

Day 7 years + 85  
Ow. I've been touched.

Day 7 years + 85  
Beam of light whammed into Ganon when he fell again. Came from Zelda. Isn't she _sooo_ special.

Day 7 years + 85  
Performed delicate brain surgery on Ganon.  
With my sword.  
My glowing and oh-so-sharp-and-pointy sword.

Day 7 years + 85  
Zelda and other Sages summoned rain of pretty colors and sealed Ganon in Sacred Realm. Was quite pretty to watch.  
Suspect Ganon is upset.

Day 7 years + 85  
Found myself floating in sky with Zelda. She said thank you! FINALLY! Blamed everything on herself, which was good because everything was her fault. If she had just given him candy like I suggested thirteen chapters ago, none of this would have happened.  
Told me to fork over blue Ocarina and put Master Sword back in pedestal. Feel like King Arthur right before he died. Not cool.

Day 7 years + 85  
Woah, wait a second! She's making me a kid again? That's it? No "Thanks for saving our sorry butts, Link" candy gift basket? No dark chocolate and pie! We had an understanding! I kick monster butt, I get dark chocolate and pie! Now I won't even be able to reach the candy I put on the top shelf in my house to keep the stupid forest elves from eating it. And the bears.  
Didn't even get a kiss! Not one Hershey's kiss!

Day 7 years + 85  
Suddenly smells like rotten eggs up here. Asked Zelda if she farted. She turned bright red and started playing Song of Time.

And now, for everyone's favorite part...  
The credits!

Written by animedeprived

Directed byanimedeprived

With help from  
animedeprived's brother (who gave me some REALLY good lines)  
animedeprived's cousins  
kittiprincess  
Marik  
Ishizu  
animedeprived's "friends"  
and  
most unfortunately,  
the stalker  
all of whom contributed to my funny and sometimes creepy randomness, which made this fic possible.

Main character Link  
Other charactersWho cares? Link's the only one worth paying attention to.

And thanks to all the monkey in the world, just for being monkeys.

Last but not least, thanks to you guys, my loyal audience (and the stalker), who made this my most popular fic by far. You guys are the awesomest. I did it all for you.  
(Ok, so a little of it was for me).

And now, for a final word.

Meow.


End file.
